How do I support my loved one?
When someone you care about is in active addiction, you can see many ways they are creating problems in their life.
Addiction is a complex condition that involves the compulsive engagement in doing something despite knowing there are negative consequences. These factors can put a strain on your mental health as well as your connection with them.
My loved one won't listen to reason or accept support.
We often hear from family members that they have tried everything to help their loved one stop their destructive path. You may have used begging, pleading or bargaining, and you may have considered or even used tough boundaries, however, you still feel frustrated, fearful, angry or helpless when another promise is broken or a new lie is told. It is unrealistic to expect people to change complicated behaviours based on an ultimatum, and the truth is that people can only see what they are ready to see. Sometimes, all you can do is wait for the opportunity for them to seek change. There are stages of this change process; once your loved one is contemplating change, you can support them to take the next steps.
How do I help them, and what can I do?
The concept of them hitting rock bottom is scary, what it means for them and what it means for you and your family. There are some steps that you can take, however, to prepare for that occasion.
Educate Yourself — Learn about the specific addiction your loved one is facing. Understand the signs, symptoms, and treatment options available. Being informed can help you provide better support and guidance.
Encourage Open Communication — Create an environment where your loved one feels safe and comfortable discussing their struggles. Encourage open and honest communication without judgement or criticism.
Set Boundaries — Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself and your relationship. Be aware of and avoid enabling behaviour and be firm about the consequences of continued substance abuse.
Provide Emotional Support — Let your loved one know that you care about them and are there to support them through their journey to recovery. Offer words of encouragement and remind them that you believe in their ability to overcome their addiction.
Encourage Treatment — Encourage your loved one to seek professional help from addiction specialists, therapists, or counsellors. Offer to assist them in finding a suitable treatment program that meets their needs.
Be Patient — Recovery is a process that takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. Practice patience and understanding, and avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your loved one.
Take Care of Yourself — It's essential to prioritise your well-being and seek support for yourself. Find a support group or a therapist who can help you navigate the challenges of caring for someone with addiction.
Celebrate Progress — Acknowledge and celebrate any progress your loved one makes, no matter how small. Recognising their efforts can motivate them to continue their journey to recovery.
Avoid Blame — While it's important to set boundaries, avoid blaming or shaming your loved one for their addiction. Addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional treatment and support.
Remain Hopeful — Show optimism and hope for the future. Let your loved one know that recovery is possible and that you believe in their ability to overcome their addiction and live a fulfilling life.
Address the Issue, not the Person — Separate the person from the addiction. It is likely difficult for them to share their feelings and experiences with you due to shame and fear of rejection and retaliation, even if they know you are loving, caring, and supportive. You can start by addressing the situation calmly.
Recovery looks different for every person; our concepts of success and failure intrinsically create fear, shame and judgement.
At SHAR we seek to develop an individual's view of what their future looks like; for some, that is abstinence, for others it is about harm reduction, education and preventative measures. Your expectations and your loved ones need to be discussed.
Try to avoid.
Supporting a loved one with addiction is crucial, but it's equally important to avoid certain actions that are potentially co-dependent, enabling or worsening their condition. Here are some things you should try to avoid when caring for a loved one with addiction:
Do not enable their behaviour — Avoid enabling their addictive behaviour by providing financial support, making excuses for their actions, or covering up their substance abuse. Enabling them can perpetuate the addiction and prevent them from seeking help.
Avoid judgement and criticism — Refrain from judging or criticising your loved one for their addiction. Criticism and negative judgement can create a barrier to open communication and hinder their willingness to seek help.
Don't ignore the problem — Ignoring the issue or pretending that everything is fine can enable the addiction to continue unchecked. Acknowledge the problem and encourage your loved one to seek professional help and support.
Do not take responsibility for their actions — While it's important to support your loved one, avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour or trying to control their actions. They need to take ownership of their recovery journey.
Don’t Enable Them — Watching a partner’s life unravel in front of you is difficult, especially when you’re unsure how to help. When it comes to addiction, there is a fine line between being supportive and enabling. One common way you might be enabling their use is if you lend them money without knowing where it’s being spent and without being paid back. Another example is covering up or making excuses for their lack of follow-through on commitments.
Avoid making ultimatums you cannot follow through with — While setting boundaries is important, avoid making threats or ultimatums which you cannot enforce. Unrealistic ultimatums can strain your relationship and create unnecessary tension.
Don’t Force Them to Quit — Tough love rarely works with those in addiction. Some states allow court-ordered rehab if the person is a danger to themselves or others. However, ultimatums or forcing your loved one into treatment is not the best route because it usually only works temporarily. If your partner is not ready to move towards abstinence, they are likely to go right back to their old habits once they leave rehab. They need to be motivated for the process to sustain long-term growth and change.
Do not neglect your well-being — Taking care of a loved one with an addiction can be emotionally draining. Do not neglect your own physical and emotional well-being. Take time for self-care and seek support when needed.
Avoid using substances around them — Refrain from using or consuming substances around your loved one, even if it's not related to their addiction. Your actions could influence their behaviour and trigger their cravings or desires to use.
Do not give up on them — Despite the challenges, it's essential not to give up on your loved one. Recovery is a complex process that may involve setbacks, but your continuous support and encouragement can make a significant difference. You might become frustrated with your loved one if they refuse to get help or if they experience a relapse, but don’t give up. You love the individual for who they are authentically, and it’s an unfortunate reality that addiction separates a person from their authentic self. The disease may be masking their true personality, but it’s still possible for them to heal and for the relationship to move forward healthily. If you were navigating a disease such as addiction, wouldn’t you want your partner’s continued support?
Avoid minimising the severity of their addiction — Acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and avoid downplaying the impact of their addiction. Be empathetic and understanding of the challenges they face during their recovery journey.
Do not isolate them — Encourage social interaction and engagement with supportive peers and groups. Isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and depression, potentially leading to a relapse.
Don’t Look Down on Them — Being upset with your spouse around behaviours displayed in active addiction is normal, but constantly scolding them for their mistakes will only intensify the situation. Addictions cause impaired judgement, so your loved one might not always be behaving logically. This can be frustrating to watch because you understand that deep down, they know what is right or wrong.
Avoid judging your loved one — Be mindful of the language you use when you speak to them. They don’t need to hear something hurtful such as calling them “an embarrassment” or using a derogatory term like “junkie” or “addict.” All they need from you is support and love, not judgement.
Don’t ignore the Problem — If you don’t know how to confront your loved one about their addiction, start by expressing your feelings and what you’ve been noticing in your relationship. Being open with them might be the push they need to go to treatment.
Whilst dealing with someone in active addiction can be isolating, you are never alone. Many other people are navigating a similarly challenging situation as you are right now. Don’t give up on yourself or your family. Reach out for support, and remember to have hope.
“It doesn’t feel like a clinic or a facility, you just feel relaxed and safe like you do at home.”
Some additional resources that can help in supporting families and loved ones include:
Some additional resources for self-care include:
